Reincarnation
by mcdreamy1992
Summary: Buffy tries to move on without Spike, but when someone tells her that there is a possibility he might come back, she's desperate to find ways to bring him back. PostChosen. Spuffy. Bad summary, but better story. Rating on the safe side.
1. Chapter 1

_Please tell me if you want me to continue this story. It's my first BTVS fanfic so please be nice and please review!_

Buffy stared at the wall unseeingly. It had been half a year since Spike had died to save the world. He had died a hero, but Buffy still couldn't get over him. Memories haunted her. Memories of her constantly pushing him away, constantly hurting him. She wanted to take it all back now, to just hold him in her arms and kiss him, telling him, assuring him that she loved him. But it was too late now. She had lost her chance. She didn't realize how much he had meant to her, how much she loved him until it was too late. He had heard her so many times saying that there was nothing between them that he had believed it. Angel knocked gently at the door, but Buffy didn't even blink. At one time Angel had been everything to her, but after Spike's death, Angel's presence didn't invoke any warm feelings within her, didn't arouse any passion in her. Nothing did anymore. Spike had always been the only person who could make her feel truly alive.

"What do you want, Angel?" Buffy asked coldly, not turning around.

Angel wanted to grab her and shake her violently. Instead he said angrily,

"When are you going to stop moping around? Spike died, okay, let's all grieve, but let's face it, for most of his undead life he did things that were too horrible to name. You've got friends that love you, Buffy and instead of enjoying that love and reciprocating you're sitting here staring at a wall, mourning a man who did so much evil in the world."

Buffy flared up immediately.

"How dare you, Angelus? You did way worse things than him and the only reason you stopped was because you were forced to have a soul. Spike endured so much torture to get his back. When you lost your soul for the second time around you committed so many acts of evil and you didn't want to get back your soul. Spike went looking for it! How could you?"

Angel, wincing at the sound of his original name, looked away. He couldn't argue with her. Everything she said was true and though he hated to admit it, Spike did turn out to be a better man than him. Softly he said,

"I knew that Spike had a soul before I gave you the amulet."

Buffy whirled.

"What?"

"I knew he had a soul. Giles had told me. I knew what the necklace could do and I knew that you wouldn't let me be a part of the battle. I wanted you to give it to Spike, because then it would get rid of him and save the world at the same time. I knew that you, knowing that you could possibly lose, would want to have a back-up plan and I knew that you would give it to Spike. I knew that he would die. I wanted him to."

Buffy gasped, unable to register what he was saying. Stepping away from the vampire, she shook her head.

"Get out," her voice was quiet, deadly quiet, but when he didn't move she screamed,

"GET OUT!"

Xander and Willow came running up the stairs along with Dawn and Faith at the sound of her voice.

"What's wrong?" Willow asked, panicked.

Buffy whispered,

"He knew. He knew Spike was going to die and he just let it happen. God, he wanted it to happen! Willow, he wanted Spike to die."

She collapsed onto the floor crying, sobbing the same mantra over and over again.

"He knew Spike would die. He knew."

Her friends just looked helplessly at each other, not knowing how they could help to ease the grief and pain of their friend. Buffy had saved them countless number of times, but now they couldn't save her. Faith turned to Angel and pushed him out of the room saying,

"You've done enough here for one day, you idiot. Get out of the house and if you return without Buffy's permission, I'll make sure that you leave this house as dust."

Angel nodded, and ran out of the house, furious at himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. He hadn't wanted to hurt Buffy, but the fact that she was grieving so much for Spike really got to him. He had never been close to Spike. There had always been a rivalry between them, but he hadn't thought of what would happen when there wasn't him around. He had never thought that someone would prefer Spike to himself. In trying to get Buffy's attention he had pushed her away.

Meanwhile Dawn was hugging Buffy, trying to comfort her in vain. Finally she said,

"Buffy, the last thing Spike would want you to do is waste your life. He died so that you could live it and no matter what, even if Angel knew that he would die, he died a hero. Remember his last words? 'You've beat them back. I'll clean up'. Or something like that, but still. He died a hero. And when he died I also lost a friend because Spike was good for you excepting that incident. He was good for you and he was good for me. He was understanding and I lost a close friend when he died so I need you now more than ever. Buffy, please don't leave me alone now. Please."

Buffy hugged her, knowing that her sister's words held truth in them, but every time she thought of Spike it was like a knife wound. She said slowly,

"I can't stop thinking of him. Of the hurtful things I said to him. I once told him that he was beneath me because I knew that those words would crush him and now…I want to take it back, but I can't. I was so cruel to him, yet he kept on loving me. I need him, Dawnie. I need him because everything I do, everything I see, reminds me of him. Patrolling, the scent of tobacco that I would always smell on him, fighting with vampires. Everything!"

Dawn cried and hugged Buffy all the tighter.

"We'll get through this, Buffy, I promise, but I need you to help me. You can't cut yourself off. I can't survive this without you, Buffy. Please."

The blonde nodded and with the help of her sister and Willow got up to learn to live without the man she loved. Slowly she walked downstairs and addressed the other slayers, who were assembled, unsure of what they should do.

"Alright guys, I know that I haven't really been much use recently, but all that's going to change now. I know that I'm no longer the Chosen, thank God, but I still have much more experience than you guys. So I think that you guys should go in pairs to known hellmouths and do what you can there. Some of you should seek out other slayers too and help them adjust you know. I will stay here in LA since there are a lot, and I mean a lot of vampires here."

Kennedy joked,

"Yeah right, you just want to be here because of Angel."

At the sound of his name, Buffy's face darkened and Willow shot a look at Kennedy. She looked at them confused and asked,

"Was I wrong to say that?"

Buffy said tightly,

"No, Kennedy, I'm not staying here because of Angel. I'm staying here despite Angel. He and I are no longer friends. We may be work colleagues, but nothing more, I assure you."

The slayers all looked at each other, confused, but none dared to ask Buffy what had caused this rift between them. Buffy had only just started speaking to them for the first time in nearly six months and they're weren't going to do anything to ruin it.

BTVS BTVS

"Dawn, can you come with me please? I need to do something and I would prefer it if you were there with me."

Dawn didn't really want to go, but she knew that Buffy was extremely fragile right now so she agreed. Buffy didn't tell her where they were going and Dawn didn't ask, although she had a suspicion. She was proven right when Buffy pulled up in front of Angel's office building. They went up swiftly to his office, but Buffy motioned for her to stay outside, knowing that Angel might say things that shouldn't be said in front of Dawn. When she walked in, Angel, catching sight of her, immediately rose.

"Buffy!"

She gestured for him to sit down and said,

"Angel, why? You said that you came to LA for redemption, but do you call killing the man you spent around 100 years with redemption? Do you call killing the man that I, whom you supposedly love, am in love with, do you really call that redemption? Do you call all those lies and deceits-"

"NO! God, Buffy, don't you understand? It was all for you, everything. Giles told me all about Spike. I had to save you from yourself! Don't you understand? He was so bad for you! He was almost as bad as me when I had no soul," Angel could no longer contain himself.

"Almost as bad as you. But when he had a soul, he was better than you. He sacrificed his life just because of you wanted to be better than him, but guess what? His dying made him a way better man than you could even think of. You can't even be compared to him."

Angel and Buffy stared at each other, all words disappearing. Angel seemed to plead with Buffy, but she didn't care. He had planned the death of the love of her life therefore he was past forgiveness. She finally said shortly,

"I'm staying in LA whilst all the other girls go to other hellmouths to slay vampires. We may meet but you're nothing more than a business acquaintance to me anymore, do you understand? Nothing more."

Turning on her heel she began to walk out, but Angel stopped her, grabbing her arm

"Buffy, please. Don't do this. Haven't we been through enough together? How can you let Spike get between us?"

Buffy hissed,

"If you think this is just about Spike, then you don't understand at all. It's about you and the awful person you've become. Now let go of me."

His arm fell from her as if scalded and she slammed out of the room. Angel sat down, trying to find a way to get her to forgive him, but deep down he knew that he had lost her forever.


	2. Chapter 2

Angel looked up as Faith slammed into the room

_Please review even if it's to tell me that I should stop writing this right away because I'm butchering the story!_

Angel looked up as Faith slammed into the room. He groaned,

"Ever heard of knocking, Faith?"

She didn't reply. Or rather she kicked him across the room in response.

"What the hell were you thinking? How could you plan someone's death?"

She accompanied each word with a punch until he threw her off and rose, panting.

"Why the hell would it be your business? You're not Buffy's friend."

Faith smiled nastily.

"Now that would be where you're wrong. Buffy and I found that we have more similarities than we thought. You and I also have a lot of similarities, but the difference is that I'm sorry for what I did. You don't give a crap."

"I love Buffy. I did it for her. How can I feel crap about that? Spike would never have been any good for her. He was evil and…why do I even need to explain? I ended up being a better guy than him. He would have destroyed Buffy eventually," Angel was disgusted that he even needed to explain. He thought that Faith of all people would understand.

"No. You're not a better guy than Spike. Not even close because Spike would never have planned your death if you were trying to do something good. Spike could love when he had no soul. He loved Buffy. He loved Drusilla for two hundred years. Sure she was a vampire and evil, but she loved him. Whereas you? You had to have a soul. You were going to kill Buffy when you didn't have a soul and you didn't love. You're not a good guy. You're just masquerading as one."

Snarling Angel launched himself at Faith, but she kicked him back.

"Spike was never a good guy. He was never half the man that I was. And he doesn't love Buffy. Not like I do."

"You don't love Buffy. You're just pretending to love Buffy because she has power. She's the Slayer and if you two are in love then who would dare to dust you?" Faith walked up to him slowly. "Guess what, I'm also a Slayer and I won't hesitate to dust you if you put one toe out of line."

She turned and walked out, leaving him furious. He sat down at his desk, his head in his hands, because the worst part of that conversation was that what Faith had said was true. That hurt the most.

BTVS BTVS

Buffy stuck a stake into the vampire's heart and smiled.

"Hm, haven't lost my touch," she said happily to herself.

"No, you haven't."

Buffy looked up at the sound of the voice. There was no one in sight.

"Who was that?" she asked cautiously.

"A friend," the voice answered back.

"Where are you and who are you?"

"You don't need to know that. I am a friend to you and there is a way for you to get your love back. You just need to figure it out."

"What? What did you say?" Buffy cried out desperately, but the voice had gone. It had come, shattered her world again, and then left. Left her to deal with the mess. She couldn't believe what it had said. No vampire could be brought back from dust. It was impossible, yet that voice had said it was possible. And if it was, Buffy would do everything and anything to get Spike back. She hurried back to the house, forsaking the night's patrol. Bursting in she grabbed Giles, Willow and Xander.

"Someone said that there's a possibility of bringing Spike back."

Giles blinked before saying shortly,

"They lied."

Buffy said desperately,

"What if they didn't? What if there is a way?"

"Buffy, there isn't," Willow tried to put it gently, but Buffy turned on her.

"How do you know? Have you read about every single culture or book or whatever? How do you know?"

"Buffy, I have never heard an inkling…"

"You have never heard of it, but it might still be there. You never know!" Buffy yelled.

"Fine, Buffy. We'll research it, but don't be disappointed if we come up with nothing," Giles said, resigned.

Buffy nodded and walked out of the room, tears coursing down her cheeks. Giles sighed and took at seat. Xander asked,

"There's no way, is there?"

Giles shook his head sadly.

"No, of course not, but Buffy…I had to calm her down in some way. And in the end it's still the same result."

Willow said angrily,

"You gave her false hope, Giles. That's not fair! How could you do that? She's going to be so devastated and all the more so because you gave her false hope."

"What could I do? She was positive and she won't rest until she knows everything is exhausted, Willow," Giles said helplessly.

Willow left off, knowing that Giles spoke correctly. Once Buffy got a notion like this into her head, it would take a lot to get it out of her head, so it was just easier to humour her sometimes.

"Do you think that she will get over him anytime soon?" Willow asked tentatively.

"No. She loved him too much." They all turned at the sound of Faith's voice.

"How'd it go?" Giles asked quickly.

Faith smiled unpleasantly.

"Oh, I kicked him around some. Told him that he was never going to be a good guy. Told him that he didn't love Buffy. It was quite fun actually. I should make it more of a habit."

The other three rolled their eyes at this, but congratulated and thanked her.

"He definitely had that coming," Willow said heatedly.

"Whoa! Calm down, Will," Xander laughed. Willow smiled apologetically.

"Sorry. He just makes me really angry."

The rest of them laughed, but it was an empty laugh. With Buffy's problems, they couldn't bring themselves to really enjoy anything. One by one they exited the room, each trying to think of way to help their friend.

BTVS BTVS

Buffy sat in her room, thinking of all the ways that Spike could possibly come back. The memories began to invade her mind, despite her desperately trying to push them back. She remembered everything. The good and the bad. The first time they teamed up to stop Angelus from destroying the world, the first time they met, the time they remet, they first time they kissed, the time he went to Africa…Africa! If the demon could restore Spike's soul then maybe he could restore his life, undead or alive. But first she needed to find out where exactly he went to in Africa. There was one thing who would definitely know. She grabbed her coat and walked out the door ignoring Giles's and Willow's questions of where she was heading. After a while she found the demon bar where Spike had once brought her and the potential slayers. Just as she was about to enter the bar, the demon she was looking for came out.

"Buffy?"

She smiled at Clem and hugged him.

"Clem, how are you?"

"I'm good, girlfriend. How are you?"

"I'm okay. Just missing Spike."

"Aw, you poor girl. Yeah, life's boring without his craziness. Our conversations used to brighten up my day. But how are you holding on?"

Buffy cut to the chase immediately.

"I need to know where in Africa Spike went. I need to know which demon he went to see."

Clem instantly withdrew a little and said awkwardly,

"Why do you want to know, Buffy?"

"I need to know so that I can speak with the demon." Buffy was blunt. She didn't want to decode every nuance in Clem's voice and she didn't want to mask her intentions. She was sick of pretences and she wanted to get this conversation over and done with.

"That's not a good idea Buffy. Seeking out demons like that. And no demon can give you what you want. Just leave it alone. It's best that way because I know that you miss him, but nothing can bring him back."

"I don't believe that. Now Clem I don't want to hurt you, but I swear to God that I will if you don't tell me what I want to know."

Clem sighed and gave in, telling her the exact location. Buffy hugged him quickly and was about to leave, but Clem detained her for a moment, saying,

"Be careful, Buffy. That demon's is a hard one to cross. He's very powerful."

She nodded, smiled and went on her way.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey have you seen B anywhere

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"Hey have you seen B anywhere?" Faith asked Willow. When the redhead shook her head Faith began to worry.

"I haven't seen her anywhere and no one else has either. Where can she be?"

It was unlike her to worry about Buffy but they had gotten closer ever since the battle with the First they had gotten closer. Willow said, unconcerned,

"She's probably in her room. If you're that worried I'll go check with you."

Faith nodded and the two girls went upstairs. When there was no answer to their knocks they walked in. clothes had been strewn everywhere and the drawers were all hanging out. Faith whistled and said,

"What was going on here?"

Willow didn't answer, but picked up a letter form the bed. She read aloud,

"Guys,

Please don't worry about me. I'm fine. I think I may have found a way to bring Spike back and I'm trying it. I might be a little while, but I promise I will come back ASAP. I need to do this. I'm sorry.

Buffy"

Faith looked furious as Willow sighed.

"She's not going to rest until she gets him back."

Faith merely slammed out of the room, muttering,

"So selfish. Could have told me she was leaving me all alone to deal with the new Slayers! God!"

Willow frowned and went to Giles, handing him the letter. Quickly scanning it he let out a long breath.

"Why couldn't she have least told us in person? Then we could have stopped her!"

Willow said thoughtfully,

"Maybe that's why she didn't tell us. Because she knew that we'd stop her."

Giles merely snorted and said,

"You'll have to do a locator spell, Willow. We need to know where she's going."

Willow nodded and, getting all her ingredients together, began to chant. As Willow performed her spell, Giles thought of Buffy's behaviour ever since Spike had died. She had been devastated and all of her actions were as if she was on autopilot. The light of life in her eyes had gone and the spark had left her. The peroxide blond vampire had done that to her. No one had realized just how much Spike had meant to her. Not even she had until those last moments in the basement of the school. Suddenly Willow said,

"She's going to Africa."

Giles stared at her, surprised.

"Why on earth would she be going to Africa?"

Willow shrugged, trying to think of the attractions of Africa. Giles began to look through his books, searching for some reference of revivification rituals in Africa. Then Xander walked in and asked,

"What are you looking for?"

Willow told him quickly and Xander frowned and asked,

"Maybe that's where Spike went when he disappeared after…that incident with Buffy."

Willow smiled and cried,

"That's it, Xander! You're a genius!"

Giles sighed and said,

"Yes, well done, Xander, but that doesn't really help us too much. Spike has been to a lot of places in his life, alive and undead. Why Africa?"

"Because that's where he got his soul," Willow said excitedly. "The question is how does she know exactly where to go? After all Africa is a pretty big place."

Giles agreed and said resignedly,

"Well Willow we'll just have to follow and trust your locator spells. I just hope that she doesn't get into too much trouble before we can arrive."

Willow nodded and went to tell Faith and Angel.

BTVS BTVS

Buffy reached the place where Clem had told her to go. The sun was scorching hot and she was already sweating profusely despite having only been in the sun for a few minutes. She looked around for the cave entrance, but not finding any, decided to come back later that evening. The cave might only appear at night as Spike couldn't go out during the day and in any case, she was too tired to fight or bargain with any demons right now. She was about to return to the city to find a cheap motel to stay in, but then the voice from the cemetery stopped her.

"The thing you seek is not to be found here. However, you may learn something useful."

The voice went as fast as it came, but all of a sudden, Buffy knew where the cave entrance was. Making her way slowly to it, she peered in, trying to see something. She cursed herself for not bringing a torch, but went in regardless. She said loudly,

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

A deep voice answered back,

"Who goes there?"

Buffy turned towards the voice and replied,

"I'm the Slayer. Who are you?"

"You do not need to know who I am. I know why you come and I cannot help you."

Buffy was not so easily deterred.

"But you do know who can help me? The voice which led me here told me that I could learn something useful here. What is it?"

The voice said,

"I cannot tell you how to bring him back. That is something only you can figure out, but I will show you his encounter here."

Suddenly Buffy's vision went black and in her mind's eye she could see all the torturous pains that Spike went through for his soul. She gasped as she watched scene after scene, as she watched what he had done, what he had gone through for her. By the end she was weeping. All the unkind and unpleasant things that she had said to him came flooding back to her and in her mind she kept asking over and over again,

"What if I can never ask him to forgive me? What if I never see him again?"


	4. Chapter 4

Yay

_Yay! A new chapter. Please review and tell me what you think._

Buffy slowly picked herself up and walked out of the cave, knowing that she could learn nothing more from the demon. When she got outside she expected the sunlight to hit her full in the face, but only the freezing cold air greeted her. The day had already passed. Shivering, she made her way slowly back to the airport to catch a flight back to LA. Images of what Spike had to endure kept flashing back into her mind and she had to push tears to the back of her eyes. Just as she was about to enter the departure area Willow, Giles, Xander, Dawn and Faith came running up to her, surprising her.

"What are you guys doing here? How did you find me?" Buffy asked, unsure whether to be happy or angry.

"Well we wanted to make sure that you were alright and Will is a witch after all," Xander answered her as Dawn enveloped her in a tight hug. They walked together to the ticket sales counter and before long were on a plane homewards.

"Buf, did you find what you needed?" Willow asked tentatively, not knowing the state of affairs. Buffy shook head, but said,

"I did find something out, but I couldn't bring Spike back. There is a way. I just need to find out what it is. I really need to, Will. I can't go on like this."

The sadness in Buffy's voice just emphasised how depressed the blonde had been since the ruin of Sunnydale. Willow patted her back comfortingly and said,

"Well if it really means that much to you, then we'll try to help you, but Buffy…" she hesitated. "What…what if you can't bring Spike back? What are you going to do then?"

Buffy refused to regard that as a remote possibility.

"No. That's not possible. I know Spike. He always comes back. He's the only one to always come back. He wouldn't leave me. I can't bear it if he doesn't know that I love him. Willow he never believed me and I've seen what he went through to get his soul and he did that all for me and I can't let him go without letting him I love him!"

By this time tears were flowing down Buffy's face again. The redhead handed her a tissue, but had no idea how to comfort her. For a long time they just sat together, supporting each other, but then Buffy's face lit up.

"Maybe Drusilla will know how to bring him back!"

Willow immediately opposed the plan.

"Buffy, she left him and she's just a vampire. She won't know and I doubt she will care. Buffy you can't go looking for her. You don't even know where she is!"

But the idea was now lodged in Buffy's head. She said,

"Will, you can do a locator spell and I have to try everything. I will leave no stone unturned, I swear! You promised that you would try to help me!"

Her best friend sighed, and finally agreed, unable to stand the strength of Buffy's debates.

"Fine, but not until you've managed to have some rest in LA…" again she hesitated. "Maybe…you should speak to Angel. You two were very close for a long time after all."

At the sound of his name she had gone stiff.

"No! He's a murderer. He and Spike went everywhere together for such a long time. No, I refuse to speak to him ever again."

The redhead sighed and turned over to sleep knowing that to argue was pointless. Buffy could be as stubborn as a mule sometimes.

BTVS BTVS

"Drusilla?" Buffy approached the dark-haired vampire cautiously, knowing that she was absolutely insane. The vampiress didn't turn around, but continued kneeling at the edge of the crater where Sunnydale used to stand, wailing,

"Oh my Dark Prince. Why did you have to go to the Slayer? Why didn't you stay with me and Miss Edith? You're gone, my Dark Prince, oh."

Buffy walked up slowly and touched her on the shoulder. Drusilla immediately rose and turned in a fluid, graceful motion. Seeing who it was, she began to laugh maniacally.

"So it's you, Slayer. You know, Spikey is gone and it's all your fault. It's all your fault and mine. I left him. I drove him crazy just like Angel drove me crazy. Except that I flirted and I made out with that Chaos demon. Oh my poor Spike, my poor Dark Prince. What are Miss Edith and I going to do now?"

Buffy stared at her, trying to make some sense out of her crazy talk, but could only get the fact that she treated Spike terribly whilst they were together. How did Spike put up with her? When Angel drove her mad he did it really effectively, but unfortunately now she could tell her nothing. Finally she turned the vampiress around and slapped her across the face. Drusilla only said,

"Oh. The Slayer slapped me."

Buffy shouted,

"Damn right I did! You've had that coming a long time. He loved you so much and you just kept pushing him away! And now that he's gone you come back to mourn him. How dare you?!"

Buffy and Drusilla stared at each other, both a little shocked at her outburst. Yet Buffy felt nothing, no relief, no happiness, nothing, just an emptiness, an emptiness that had been gnawing at her since Spike had turned to dust.

"He tasted like ashes once we left here. He wasn't evil anymore. No, now he was in love with you. You made him fall in love with you and now he's dead because of it."

Drusilla's tone was accusing and full of malice, yet Buffy couldn't refute a single word of it because it was true. It was so true. He had changed for her. He had stopped being evil for her and he had died for her yet she had never let him know that she loved him. She had always made him feel like a monster, like he was beneath him. She remembered the night that she had said to him that he was beneath her and felt sick. She turned away and drove back to LA, unable to listen to anymore of Drusilla's words because despite her being crazy they struck to close to home. The moment she let herself back into the house people surrounded her.

"How'd it go?"

"What did she say?"

"Did she tell you what to do?"

Buffy raised her hand and they all fell silent. The slayer shook her head sadly and said,

"Some more of her crazy talk, but when she was making sense all the things she said were true. I just wish I could take back everything I did to him, but I can't and she made me see that I was so wrong when it came to him. But no, she didn't give me anything to bring him back."

Willow and Dawn hugged her, as if they could absorb some of her pain and let Buffy just sob into their shoulders as the others looked on helplessly.


	5. Chapter 5

"She's refusing to come out

"She's refusing to come out. She just keeps saying that she has to figure out a way to bring Spike back," Xander said helplessly to the others, shrugging his shoulders. They were all silent for a while, but then Faith stood up and stormed out of the room, running up the stairs. The rest of them followed, unsure of what she was about to do. The slayer began to bang on the door of Buffy's room, shouting,

"B, open up. You gotta come out of there eventually. It's not good for you to stay in there and it won't bring back Captain Peroxide."

There was no reply so Faith stepped back and kicked down the door. When the dust settled a very startled Buffy was revealed. She seemed on the brink of losing her temper and she hissed,

"What the hell do you think you're doing, **F**?"

Faith was unfazed.

"I'm getting you to leave your room and to start acting like an adult."

"I'm acting like an adult. I'm thinking. That's what most adults do except you maybe, but I'm trying to figure out a way to bring the love of my life back. I'm being bloody proactive! Now leave me alone and let me find a way to bring him back. I know that you hate him, but I don't give a damn!"

With that Buffy stomped past them and out the door. Giles said deceptively mildly to Faith,

"**That** was well done. You managed to get her to come out of her room just so that she could STORM OUT OF THE HOUSE! NOW WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE SHE IS!"

Faith looked down guiltily, but then as an idea flashed into her head, said excitedly,

"Well then Willow can do another locator spell!"

The redhead shook her head swiftly, saying,

"In the interests of self-protection, absolutely and irrevocably no! I don't want my butt to be kicked by a really angry blonde Slayer. Actually I don't want my butt to be kicked period."

Xander laughed, but then at Faith's look was silent again. Giles said,

"No, Willow will not do a locator spell again. Buffy was very irritated last time we did it and the last thing we need her to be right now is very explosively angry."

Willow nodded vigorously although Faith had a feeling that it was more out of relief that she didn't have to do the spell than agreeing with what Giles was saying. Faith said, annoyed,

"Yeah, well then what are we going to do? I mean in the state that she's in she'll probably get herself killed."

Xander shook his head,

"No, Faith. Just because you're ruled by your emotions doesn't mean Buffy is. She is still the best fighter there is even when she's upset. I mean we kicked her out of the house and she could still kill those ubervamps."

Faith answered back,

"That's because she had the scythe."

Xander merely rolled his eyes and walked away, knowing that Buffy could take care of herself.

BTVS BTVS

Buffy walked down the road, trying to calm herself down. She needed to be serene if she was going to find a way to bring Spike back. She couldn't let her emotions get in her way. She took several deep breaths, but then a voice shattered her composure once more.

"Buffy?"

She whipped around, tension filling her body. She said venomously,

"What do you want, Angel? I thought I made it clear that I never wanted to see or talk to you ever again? Is it that hard to understand?"

"There's a witch in Cleveland, Ohio. She is very powerful, almost as powerful as Willow, but not only that. She knows things. Maybe she can help you."

"What are you trying to pull, Angel?" Buffy asked sharply, not trusting the souled vampire.

"Look Buffy, I just want you to be happy. If Spike makes you happy then I'll try to help. And also…he was like a brother to me. I spent half my undead life with him and he was always there. I never thought about what would happen with him gone. And even though I planned his end, I miss the feeling of that old rivalry, I miss that bond."

Buffy was untouched and replied harshly,

"Well maybe you should have thought of that before you killed him."

She looked in the shadows for him, but Angel had gone, melted away it seemed. She sighed, aggravated by his always disappearing before the end of a conversation. It was like he didn't care what anyone else had to say, he just wanted to speak himself. It was extremely annoying and insensitive. Buffy pushed his behaviour to the back of her mind, knowing that he wasn't worth it. Because no matter how much he said that he had changed, no matter how much he professed to love her, no matter the fact that he had a soul, he was good for nothing. Spike would always be ten times the man he was because he threw his all into whatever he did. When he was evil he was truly evil, he threw all his heart into love, he acted like a man and not like the coward that Angel was. He took everything that was thrown his way and he always rose up from it somehow. He was a hell of a vampire and a man. She suddenly spied Angel's car and an idea came into her head. She grinned and looking to make sure that none of Angel's cohorts were in sight, she opened the door and seeing the key in the ignition, laughed. She started it up and drove off, seeing Angel's furious face in the rearview mirror. She put up her middle finger at him before driving out of LA and to Cleveland.


	6. Chapter 6

_Thanks to everyone for all the reviews. I really appreciate them, but is it possible to leave more than one word as I like to use the reviews to improve my writing and that's just a tad difficult with one word! But please continue reviewing!_

Buffy wandered around Cleveland, not quite sure what to do now that she had arrived here. She hadn't bothered to ask where exactly this witch lived and it wasn't as if the woman would have witch written all over her. Suddenly a woman came up to her and said,

"You're the Slayer."

"Not THE Slayer anymore, just a Slay-" Buffy trailed off as she realized what the woman had said. "How do you know about Slayers?"

The woman said quietly,

"Hush. There are too many people who can overhear you here. Let's go into that coffee shop over there."

Buffy looked at the woman suspiciously, but allowed herself to be led to the coffee shop. As she let the woman order her drink, she studied this mysterious woman. She seemed to be in her forties, brown hair, and really thin. But there was knowledge in her eyes and in her face. Maybe this was the witch that Angel had told her about.

"Angel told me you were coming."

The woman had evidently finished ordering and was now addressing the blonde Slayer. Buffy nodded, but said nothing, waiting for the woman to continue.

"He told me that you sought something. Something that has never been done before."

Buffy nodded again, but instead of addressing her words, asked,

"What's your name?"

The witch hesitated, then answered,

"I'm known by several names but in Cleveland it is Amelie."

Buffy digested this and then asked another question.

"How do you know Angel?"

Amelie looked surprised.

"Didn't he tell you?" When Buffy shook her head, she sighed and continued. "Angel and I had a very close relationship. He and that vampiress Darla would often have fights and after them he would come to me. He always tells me everything and we've remained close."

Buffy was confused.

"But you're just a witch. How can suspiciously, but allowed herself to be led to the coffee shop. As she let the woman order her drink, she studied this mysterious woman. She seemed to be in her forties, brown hair, and really thin. But there was knowledge in her eyes and in her face. Maybe this was the witch that Angel had told her about.

"Angel told me you were coming."

The woman had evidently finished ordering and was now addressing the blonde Slayer. Buffy nodded, but said nothing, waiting for the woman to continue.

"He told me that you sought something. Something that has never been done before."

Buffy nodded again, but instead of addressing her words, asked,

"What's your name?"

The witch hesitated, then answered,

"I'm known by several names but in Cleveland it is Amelie."

Buffy digested this and then asked another question.

"How do you know Angel?"

Amelie looked surprised.

"Didn't he tell you?" When Buffy shook her head, she sighed and continued. "Angel and I had a very close relationship. He and that vampiress Darla would often have fights and after them he would come to me. He always tells me everything and we've remained close."

Buffy was confused.

"But you're just a witch. How can you live for so long?"

"The Powers That Be gave me some vampiric powers, saying that I would play an important role in the future. Therefore like a vampire I cannot die unless I have a stake in my heart and all those methods, but in everything else I am just a normal human being. But enough about me. What is it that you seek from me?"

Buffy was silent for a long time, trying to find the right words to say to this witch. Amelie waited patiently for her to speak, but just as she was about to give up on Buffy speaking, the Slayer said,

"I want to…bring a vampire back from dust. I can't stand him not being here so I want to bring him back. He didn't deserve to die like he did. Betrayed by someone who spent 100+ years with him, watching each other's backs. He didn't deserve it."

Amelie was surprised at this request.

"You're a Slayer and you want to bring a vampire back from dust? That's crazy! May I ask who this vampire is and why he was so special that he would make a Slayer bring him back?"

Buffy was reluctant to talk more, but she understood that this witch might be able to help her.

"His name was Spike. And he's gone because of your friend Angel. And he wasn't a normal vampire. He was so much more. He saved the world!"

The witch was unable to believe her ears. Everything in that speech contradicted what she knew. She had never heard of a vampire who tried to save the world and she couldn't believe that about Angel. Yet Buffy didn't seem to be lying and she remembered the rivalry between Spike and Angel. They were always trying to outdo each other, but Spike always achieved more. Angel had always been fiercely jealous of Spike and maybe that had become something more. She tried to think of a way to help the distressed girl in front of her, but nothing came to her. Suddenly an inspiration came to her. She said lowly,

"I might be able to help, but I'm not sure if it will help. It is worth a try though. Do you want to try it?"

Buffy was apprehensive, but she was willing to try anything to get him back. She asked,

"What exactly are you going to do?"

The witch said soothingly,

"I'm just going to put you in something like a trance. Then you'll meet a god and she'll be able to help you more than I can. I am merely a human being, but the god will know more than I can tell you."

Buffy, however, at the word 'god' was immediately wary. She had not had a good experience with Glory and she mistrusted gods now. Yet at the same time images of Spike suffering to get his soul back flooded into her mind. He had suffered so much and risked so much for her that it was only fair that she suffered some for him to. So she agreed and the witch brought her back to her home. Once they were there Amelie set up all her ingredients and began to chant in a different language. Buffy at first listened to what she was saying, but soon the words began to lull her to sleep. When she awoke she was bathed in white light and she seemed to be floating. There was no ground and no sky. Just white. She looked around, trying to figure out where she was.

"You're in an in-between place, Slayer. There is no time here and no place. Just us," a soft voice said to her. Buffy turned towards the voice and asked,

"Who are you?"

The voice answered back as it stepped forward into her sight.

"I am the goddess of life."


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks for all the reviews

_Thanks for all the reviews! Relatively short chapter, but if I put in the next part then it would be too much happening in one chapter so please enjoy this and please review!_

The goddess's words made Buffy look at her more closely. Despite the bright light surrounding her, Buffy could make out a beautiful face, with hair like spun gold tumbling down the immortal's back in soft waves. Buffy said eagerly,

"If you're the goddess of life then you can help me, right?"

The goddess looked at her gravely and said quietly, but piercingly,

"What you seek is in my power, yes, Slayer, but it is against the rules. To do such a deed as this you have to be the one to accomplish it. No other being can achieve it and I cannot assist you in anyway except to give you advice."

Buffy waited expectantly, disappointed that the goddess couldn't help her…no disappointment was too small a word to describe it, grief and pain would be more apt. Yet that the goddess would give her advice raised her hopes ever so slightly. The goddess was on her side even though she would not help, but the words that next came to her ears angered her.

"Did you ever think that Spike might not want to come back? That he might be happy as you were when you died in that hell cortex? Mightn't it be better to just let go?"

Tears started to stream down Buffy's face as she yelled,

"No! How can I let go when I said and did so many awful things to him when all he wanted was to love me? I never let him know how much he meant to me because I was too proud and I constantly made him feel awful. I can't let go. I have to tell him that I am so sorry and that I love him. That I love him more than I ever did or ever could love Angel and that life has lost its meaning without him. I can't…I just can't…" she had started to gasp during the speech. The goddess laid a calming hand on her shoulder, soothing the sobbing Slayer. The deity smiled and said,

"Yes, you are worthy. But if you succeed you must remember that he will feel like you did when you came back. Remember that and be there for him…but you must remember my words for they may be the only true help that you can get to bring back your vampire."

With these words Buffy began to feel sleepy and the goddess began to fade, but then with an almighty effort she forced her eyes open and said,

"Wait! Wait, you…" but the immortal had already gone and blackness began to envelope the Slayer. Soon Buffy stopped fighting it and just let it lull her back to sleep. When she woke again the first sight that met her eyes was Amelie's worried face. Soon Angel's face came into view as well as the rest of her friends. She croaked,

"What are they all doing here?"

Amelie said, relieved that she had woken up,

"You've been gone for a day and a half and I was worried so I called them up and they got on the first flight here."

Buffy was shocked. Her meeting with the goddess had seemed a mere few minutes, but obviously not. Dawn suddenly flew at her and hugged her tightly.

"Please don't scare me like that ever again. I lost you once and I really don't want to do it again. Please!"

Buffy nodded and whispered,

"I promise."

She looked at Angel, hatred still in her eyes, but there was also some gratitude mixed in, but that made her hate him all the more. She couldn't stand being beholden to a vampire who had murdered Spike. Angel looked away, unable to meet her smouldering gaze. He said tentatively,

"Uh, Buffy, do you mind if I have my car back?"

Buffy nodded, not saying a single word, not trusting herself to speak. Willow watched the silent interchange carefully, seeking a sign of relenting from Buffy, an indication of redemption for the vampire, but there was nothing.

BTVS BTVS

"What happened, Buffy?" As no one had asked this question yet Giles posed the question. Buffy shook her head, unwilling to share her experience. It had not been of this world and she didn't want everyone else to know. And just as she never spoke of the cave in Africa she would never speak of this incident with anyone else except Spike. She said,

"Let's go home, guys."

They all agreed and soon were on their way home. This time around Buffy was attentive and looked after Dawn. She patrolled and laughed and joked, but it was slightly robotic. Her laugh was empty and humourless, her jokes were bitter and cynical and her heart was not in the patrolling. The only thing that she did with her heart was to look after Dawn. She was always diligent in taking care of her younger sister, so much so that Dawn soon began to feel suffocated. Large arguments began to ensue with Dawn trying to rebel and Buffy trying to be there for her. After these disagreements Buffy always needed to get some fresh air and soon she was taking longer and longer walks. Before long she was walking out of LA and one day she walked so far that she reached the crater where Sunnydale used to be. She sat down here and she could almost smell Spike's unique scent; she could almost feel his comforting presence, the sense of safety he always brought. She began to come back more and more and soon she was coming everyday just trying to catch that security again.


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry this took so long, but haven't been able to get Internet for a while. So it's an extra long chapter and also the last chapter. Thank you to all my reviewers. I've really appreciated it. Please enjoy and leave one last review!_

It was during one of these moments when she stood at the edge of Sunnydale's ruins that she had a vision. One moment she was staring down into the crater, the next she was looking at shimmering forms that had appeared from seemingly nowhere. She asked them,

"Who are you? What do you want from me?"

Then a voice sounded, a familiar voice, the voice that had originally told her that she could bring Spike back. She tried to locate the voice, desperate to know who or what had led her on this quest.

"We are the Powers that Be."

Buffy was shocked and astonished that the Powers that Be would take a hand in her affairs and that they would care about her.

"What do you want with me? I'm only a Slayer. Why have you picked me out?"

Somehow Buffy got the feeling of being laughed at. She shook her head, thinking that these supernatural entities were too serious to be able to mock and laugh. The voice answered,

"But you're not just a Slayer. You are the Slayer and no matter how many other Slayers there are you'll always be the Slayer until you die. No other Slayer has ever or will ever be like you. You have died twice and yet you still live. You have also survived the longest out of all Slayers. The other Slayers could not have gotten to where they were without you. There has never been a Slayer as strong or as skilled as you."

Buffy tried to protest, but she was cut off by the sight of one of the shimmering forms appearing as a woman. She was beautiful, so much so that it hurt to gaze on her for too long.

"You have changed the face of history numerous times and yet you are not happy. You are not even content."

"Because it's all meaningless without Spike by my side. He saved the world and yet he couldn't reap the rewards. He didn't even think that I love him."

"You too died saving the world. Why is it any different?"

"I was given a chance to come back," Buffy answered sharply.

"But you did not want to. You were happy in your heaven. You felt complete, whole and above all loved. What if it is the same for the vampire who you wish to bring back? Why would he wish to go back into a world where could not live as a normal person, where he could not walk in the sun, where he was vilified and always made to feel inferior?"

Though the Power's tone was soft and gentle, her words were accusatory and Buffy wanted to hide from them. She remembered the many times she had mistreated him again and again, yet each time he came back to her, still loving him with his whole being. For the first time she realized how much he missed out, not being able to see the sunset, not being able to see things in natural light. The thought of such an existence sickened her. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she berated herself for never having thought of how hard life had been for him. Now more than ever she wanted to see him, but at the same time she remembered the emptiness, the sadness and the betrayal she had felt when her friends had brought her back. She asked, unsure of if she wanted to know the answer,

"Does he…is he…happy?"

"Most people are," the woman replied ambiguously. Buffy gave vent to her frustration by letting loose a string of swearwords yet they availed her nothing. The Power refused to tell her anymore. She began to pace, muttering to herself and when she turned back to the forms they had disappeared and once again she was staring down into the crater. She blinked several times to accustom herself to the glaring sunlight which, Buffy was reminded, Spike could never walk in. Did she really want that for him? She sobbed, kneeling on the sun-warmed ground. Eventually she calmed down and it was as if she had been cleansed. She took the ring that Spike had given to her when they were under Willow's spell and walking to the edge of the crater, threw it in, saying softly into the soft breeze that smelt slightly of Spike,

"I'm sorry, Spike. For everything that I've done to you. You deserved more. You didn't deserve to die because of Angel. You were better than that. I know now the full extent of what you suffered, especially for me and because of me and I'm sorry for that. Thank you for always being there, my confidant and my friend. I'll never forget, I swear. You saved the world and you proved to me that vampires can have feelings and they can have hearts. You taught me so much and I never let you know how much you meant to me. I love you, but because I love you I'm going to let you go. I know that you're happy now and knowing how it feels to be ripped from such completeness I would never do it to you. So I will let you go, but I will never forget that you, Spike, are the love of my life and I hope that you know that."

Once again tears were streaming down her face, but she knew she was doing the right thing. This was the best way of showing how much she truly loved him. His scent seemed to pervade through the air and it surrounded her and she began to relive all their memories together. She remembered his threats against her when he came to town, the first time they formed an alliance, his return the second time, their 'engagement', the first time they slept together, his promise to take care of Dawn, the incident in the bathroom, the chip in his head, the last two nights they spent together and lastly their final moment together in the school basement. They had had such a longer journey together, but he was gone now and she would remember the good as well as the bad. All those moments together had made their relationship what it was and she would never want to pretend it was something it wasn't. What she would remember most of all though was his passion for whatever he did and how he always remained true to himself. Finally she rose and whispered a final goodbye before turning to start the journey back to LA, but walking towards her was a familiar figure that made her heart to skip a beat. She rebuked herself for being so foolish because he would never come back and in any case he could not walk in the sun. He was irrevocably gone. Yet here he seemed to be walking towards her, peroxide blonde hair shining in the sunset, leather duster seeming to float around his legs as he strode. Buffy whispered unbelievingly,

"Spike?"

He just continued to stride towards her. She couldn't believe it was him, but his beloved features were unmistakeable. She laughed as he caught her in his arms and kissed her passionately. Yet there was something vitally different about him. She pressed her hands onto his chest and raised her eyes wonderingly when she felt the clear ba-boom of his heart.

"You're human!" Buffy exclaimed as she threw her arms around his neck. Yet although he returned her hug he seemed melancholy.

"You…miss it?" Buffy asked sadly, already knowing the answer. He nodded and said,

"I felt so different there, pet. I was happy…like that night we spent together when they kicked you out. But you pulled me back here. Why? Of all people I would have thought…" he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. Buffy felt tears collect in her eyes as she heard his words. She murmured,

"I'm sorry, but after you…died my life fell apart. I…couldn't function with you gone because I had realized too late that…I love you. And then when I told you, you didn't believe me."

Spike stared at her incredulously.

"You…love me? I thought you were just saying it."

Buffy winced at his disbelieving tone, but nodded her head.

"Yes, I love you with all my heart. And I know it's a little late and there's a lot to explain, but I needed to let you know that. I was just about to give up hope of ever seeing you again and then you appeared. I don't understand. How? And why now?"

Spike shrugged.

"Don't know and pet, I really don't bloody care. I'm here now. That's all that matters."

Buffy nodded, smiling. Spike then noticed the crater. He whistled.

"Blimey, did I do that?"

The Slayer laughed.

"Yes, you did. Rather annoying you know. I had been planning to go shoe shopping afterwards!"

Spike joined her in laughing and putting his arm around her waist, turned around and began to walk down the road, saying,

"Let's go home."

FINIS


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